Ben Esra telefonda seni boşaltmamı ister misin?
Telefon Numaram: 00237 8000 92 32
Chapter 2: Dustin realizes that Gabe isn’t easy to get rid of
.
“What do you mean you’re gay?”
Gabe shrugs his shoulders, “I mean exactly what I just told you.” He walks into the pantry and pulls out a bag of chips. “I’m gay. I like dudes. Strictly dickly.” He rips open the bag and spills a couple onto a plate.
“How many other ways can I say it before you believe me?”
I physically facepalm, looking back at him while he reaches for the jar of salsa and digs in. “I understand what you’re saying, bro. What I don’t get is how sudden it feels.”
We’ve been friends for almost a year now and fuck if that didn’t feel like a rollercoaster already. Gabe is just one of those people who consumes you, and after a week of casual hang outs, it already felt like he knew me better than anyone else at school. He called me his best friend a month after we first met for coffee and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel the same.
The only thing that separates us is the fact that I’m completely in love with him, and he- being the carefree and casual person that he is- has no idea. In all this time of knowing Gabe, I never once suspected him of being gay. Most times it felt like a full time job having to indirectly break hearts on his behalf, with me having to tell a number of girls that he’s not interested in them whenever they’d ask me. He’s dated plenty, though none of them seem to last long enough for it to mean something.
Maybe this is the reason why.
He looks at me, confused. I sigh, “Gabe, just two weeks ago, you went to Homecoming with Mel. How long have you known?” I ask him, “Did you know that night?”
He stops and stares at the plate of tortilla chips and carefully tosses them around until he finds the perfect one. He’s choosing his chips much like how he’s choosing his words.
“Not exactly.”
I’m trying to work out some situation where all of this makes sense. I open my mouth to respond but he stops me, “Look Dust, who cares when I realized it? That doesn’t matter.” He sighs, “I know now and I’m certain of it,”
Gabe looks visibly annoyed at this point. He mutters, “I would have expected a little more support from my best friend. God knows I was there for you when you came out.”
I stop, dead in my tracks. He’s right, he’s absolutely fucking right. I rush around the island that separates us and pull him into a hug- one that knocks the life outta him and nearly sends him to the floor.
He chokes on a few chips as I grip him tightly, feeling closer than I ever dared to be before. When you have a crush this big, physical touch is a slippery slope. Gabe’s never been shy of hugs or leaning in when we’re sitting close, but I, myself, make sure to draw an invisible line between us and insist on never crossing it. Still, this feels like a fair exception. And the way he’s holding me back, makes it worth it.
“I’m sorry I reacted that way.” I let that linger for a few seconds, making sure he catches every nuance of my words. “I’m just really taken aback, man. Not that you owe me an explanation at all.” I sigh, “It’s just new.”
You’d think that him coming out would be a reason for celebration for me, but it’s not. For the past year, I’ve found comfort in the fact that, no matter how much I like him, he simply doesn’t like guys. Yet now, that safehouse of an idea is compromised, and I’m left with the reality that he can like any guy in the world- but he doesn’t like me.
I shelve that painful thought for another day. Right now, he needs me.
I pull off and his expression lightens to the point where it’s like he never even complained in the first place. “You’re my best friend, Gabe, and I support you no matter what.”
I swear I can see him misty-eyed and trying not to cry in front of me. He places a hand on my shoulder and does that thing where his lips move but he doesn’t speak- almost like his body is trying to tell me something that his mouth won’t allow.
“Thanks Dust.” He says with a smile as I take the seat next to him. The air is heavy between us and I search for some segway out of a potentially vulnerable situation.
“I love how you’re just casually having a snack while coming out to me.” I say as he pours out more chips and places the jar of salsa between us.
He snickers, “You know I eat when I’m stressed.”
I roll my eyes. “So what else is new? Other than the fact that we’re both playing for the same team?”
He laughs before dipping his head back down. Gabe has a lot going on these days- I try not to come on too strong whenever I try to ask how he’s doing. He sighs, “My dad moved out today.” He tells me as he draws a figure eight on the paper plate. “He packed up all of his stuff and left with barely a goodbye.”
“Fuck” I reply. “You said it’s been pretty quiet between you two since they said they were getting a divorce right?”
That was a week and a half ago- just a few days after Homecoming when his parents decided to call it quits. That was a good night, almanbahis and probably some of the most fun we’ve had together- but the days that followed were bad. The way Gabe told me about it makes it seem really sudden, almost like one day everything was fine and then the next, things were falling apart. I don’t know if there’s more to the story that Gabe just isn’t telling me about, but it’s their business, and the only thing I can do is be there for my friend.
“Yup” He says cynically, “Almost complete radio silence.”
“I don’t understand.” I tell him, truthfully. In all the time that I’ve known Gabe, I can count on my hands how many times I’ve talked to his dad. His mom is warm and kind and makes me feel welcome, but his dad always keeps to himself and only acknowledges me when I’m at their house. Still, I didn’t expect him to be like this- and I remind myself to give Gabe the space to tell me when he’s ready.
He sighs again, “Maybe it’s better this way, Dust.” He looks at me with that same misty-eyed look, though this time it’s not out of happiness, but despair.
“I’d rather not have a dad, than live with the ghost of a father.”
I choose not to respond to that. It’s so dark and raw and the last thing I want is to force him to reconsider his words. This is how he feels, and no matter what anyone says, it’s valid.
Instead, I lean over and hug him again, feeling his scent enter my nose as I breathe him in, desperately trying to suck all the bad energy from his body.
If there was a way I could take the pain away from him, then I would, in a heartbeat.
***
It’s two days after Gabe and I went clubbing and I’m just lying in bed, staring up at the ceiling. I can hear the cars driving by as my phone goes off. I sluggishly reach for it and see three texts from Gabe, not surprised since he’s such a morning person and has probably just come back from a run.
I read, dipping into his voice as I scroll through the messages.
“Dude where are you?”
“Hello? You dead in a ditch, or what?”
“Fuck it. But I call dibs on your TV and all the fancy shoes you never wear.”
I chuckle, realizing that these messages were within five minutes of each other. Maybe it’s a bit much, but Gabe isn’t one for subtlety. Sundays are usually spent hanging out, but I decided to sleep in today.
I text back, “Those shoes are worth more than you make in six months.”
He types back instantly, filling my bottom screen with that moving ellipsis. “Even more reason to hand them over.”
I sent him the eye roll emoji as he types back, “Going home to see my mom today.” He sends another one, “I’ll bring back some of those cookies from MaryAnn’s that you love so much.”
I thank him and toss my phone aside, reliving the words I said the other day.
“We love each other, but not in that way.”
I wallow in those emotions for a bit, thinking back to when I heard that Sam Smith song for the first time. It was just after Gabe had gotten together with this guy named Kyle. Hindsight proved that they wouldn’t even last three months, but back then, it felt like I had lost a race- one that Gabe didn’t even know I was competing in. I remember coming back to my apartment and playing a laundry list of sad songs that Spotify had to offer until that one came.
It felt like I was singing those words directly to him.
And I hate to say I love you
When it’s so hard for me
And I hate to say I want you
When you make it so clear
You don’t want me
I’d never ask you ’cause deep down
I’m certain I know what you’d say
You’d say “I’m sorry, believe me, I love you
But not in that way”
I remember crying really fucking hard that night, feeling so defeated. Why did he have to choose me as a friend? Why did he have to put me in a box- one that he’d take with him everywhere but never open. .
I don’t play that song anymore because it hits too hard. I look back up at the ceiling and force myself out of bed. If there’s one thing I could use right now, other than a cup of coffee, it’s perspective.
***
A half hour later, I’m on a train on my way to see my sister, Grace. She lives just outside of the city- almost a perfect distance between my apartment and our childhood home. I sent her a text before I hopped in the shower saying I needed to talk.
By the time I finished, she’d replied, saying, “Good. Andy’s working today and god knows I could use some help with these kids.”
I reply with a laughing emoji as I get dressed, making sure to stop by one of the donut shops by my place before I leave the city. A little while later, I leave the station and walk the three blocks to her and Andy’s place. They moved out here shortly after their daughter Ella was born, and soon after they had two more kids on the way. I know better than to pretend this is just a case of me visiting family. God knows I escape here to the suburbs whenever things feel like they’re closing in.
Grace almanbahis giriş answers almost immediately after the first knock, wearing her classic sweatpants with her hair in a messy bun.
“Thank god” She says, pulling the door open while she carries Mikey, the littlest of the bunch with one hand. I set the donuts on the table and she quickly replaces the box with my nephew who stops crying once I grab a hold of him.
“Hey there my favorite little dude.” I say, earning a smile and a laugh.
She sighs loudly, “I swear, I don’t know how you do it. He’s been fussy since Andy left this morning.” She takes a breath, “The girls clung onto me, but Mikey only ever wants his dad, and well now, his uncle.”
I tickle his chest, getting a few more giggles out of him as I turn to my sister, “That’s because you’re outnumbered by all these chicks, huh? Us boys gotta stick together.”
Grace rolls her eyes and reaches for the singular bearclaw in the box, knowing I got it just for her. I hold Mikey for a little while longer before he’s calm enough to place into his highchair, now distracted by the several plushies that have been laid out for him to play with.
On cue, my two nieces run into the living room wearing bright pink dresses along with tassels and pretty much every sparkly accessory you can think of.
“Uncle Dustin!” They both scream out in their high pitched voices as they run up to both sides of me. I give them both a kiss on the cheek, watching their cute faces light up in the process. Ella’s just turned four and Lizzie’s just a year younger. My heart melts whenever I get to see them, with their perpetually excited expressions always making it worthwhile.
Grace pulls them away, and I’m left spitting pink feathers out of my mouth as they hone in on the box of donuts with several coated in bright pink frosting and all the sprinkles they could physically pack on the top.
“Why don’t you two enjoy these in the kitchen?” Grace says as she sets up two chairs along with an iPad with an episode of Peppa Pig already queued up.
They both squeal again, this time surely waking the neighbors. Grace just rolls her eyes again and sits back down, handing me a glass of iced tea from the kitchen on her way back.
“You look good, bro. I’ll be sure to tell mom and dad you’re not completely starving up there.” She says, with her classic mom expression.
“Thanks” I say, taking a drink. “I missed you, and them. I promise I’ll make more time to visit.”
She shrugs me off, “It’s no sweat, Dustin. You have your own life up there.” She says, honestly. “Though I’m sure Andy could use more company. We have him and Mikey outnumbered.”
I laugh, already planning some excuse to come down and hang out with my brother-in-law and nephew.
“How are you?” She asks, resembling our mom so much it almost feels freaky.
I nod, “I’m good, Grace. Work’s been busy and things seem to be going well.” I’m clearly being vague with my answers, but if there’s one thing about my sister, it’s that she has a knack for pulling the truth out of me.
“And what about Tom? I know it’s been like a month but I know you cared about him.”
I stop her, having not come here to obsess over my ex. “I’m over Tom. In retrospect, I think I knew deep down that it wasn’t going anywhere and so it was only a matter of time.” I shrug, “I’ve been keeping busy since, and then there’s Gabe.”
“Ah, the best friend.” She says with a chuckle, “I swear to God he just showed up one day, unannounced and suddenly it was the Dustin and Gabe show.”
I laugh, knowing that she’s not too far off. Grace was a Senior when I’d met Gabe, and I’m sure the last thing she wanted was yet another little brother to have to deal with. They’ve gotten close in the years since, with Gabe always a welcomed guest at any family gathering.
“I’m happy you guys are still close.” She admits, “though I’m pretty sure you’d have to fake a death to get that boy to leave you alone.” By now she’s laughing at her own joke, leaving me and Mikey looking at each other as she settles down.
“That’s the thing.” I start to say, “you know how I’ve had a thing for him?”
She rolls her eyes, “You mean how you’ve been in love with that boy since high school?” She scoffs, “Yes, Dustin, I’m well aware.”
“I swear I don’t make it that obvious!”
“You don’t” she admits, “But I’m your sister and if anyone would pick up on it, it’s me.” She turns her head, “How he has no idea is beyond me.”
I sigh heavily, “I just don’t know how much longer I can do it Grace. I’ve kept up this charade for years now and I can feel it weighing on me.”
“Just the other night, we went out and this stranger was surprised to find out that we weren’t a couple.” I raise my hands, “God knows it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world if we actually got together! We’re both single and we have so much in common and I feel like if he just gave it a chance to look at me in that light, maybe he’ll see that almanbahis yeni giriş I’m a good guy for him!”
My response is so loud that even Mikey looks freaked out. I apologize, getting that smile back on his face as Grace shakes her head. “Oh Dustin.” she starts to say.
“I think you’ve got to ask yourself why you haven’t told him yet, after all this time.”
I catch my breath, “Because as much as it hurts me to keep pretending that I don’t see him as anything more-” I pause, “I know it’ll hurt worse if he doesn’t feel the same way.”
She puts her hands together, taking a cue from our mom’s playbook as she forces me to look up at her.
“What you guys have- as friends- is more valuable than anything else in the world. He adores you, Dustin. And I think you need to be prepared in case he’ll never see you as someone he wants to be with.”
She lets that sit for a few seconds, “You need to evaluate how you want Gabe in your life- whether you can honestly live with him as just a friend. Or whether you need him to be more.”
I pull my head down, “I just don’t know if I can handle losing him at this point.”
Grace stands up and walks over to give me a hug. There’s just something about my sister that centers me- even when Gabe and his perfect world has me off balance.
Lizzie and Ella come running over and wrap their tiny little arms around the two of us while laughing, filling the room with the sweetest sounds I’d ever heard. They think it’s a game, smiling widely with their lips covered in pink frosting, and want nothing more than to play with us. The scene cuts through the heavy emotions easily and soon, I have both girls in my arms as they shower me with kisses while Mikey is giggling off to the side. Grace stands back, looking pretty proud in the most motherly way possible.
For many gay guys, one thought that always crosses our mind is the idea of children, and whether or not it’s in the cards for us. I made peace with the idea that I may not have kids of my own one day- and while that may change down the road and that there are dozens of ways to make even a semblance of that a reality- I’ve learned to accept even the most negative of outcomes.
It’s here, in moments like this, that none of that seems to matter. Even if I don’t end up with a traditional family, I’ll never be alone.
I hang out with Grace and the kids for a few more hours- mostly listening to their stories and letting them show me every toy and object in their room. Grace sneaks away for a bit and I catch her curled up by the fireplace reading a book with Mikey napping just beside her. At some point, Andy comes home, and he’s greeted by the same high pitched squeals that I was. He kisses each of his girls and Mikey, and then flashes me a happy grin as he pulls me into a hug.
“You here to save me?” He asks, with my sister rolling her eyes.
I chuckle. “I just came by to see Grace and give her a bit of a break.” Andy nods and is already listing off things we can do the next time I’m in town. We settle on a barbeque- giving him a chance to break out the grill that Grace had just bought for his birthday last week. We firm up those plans and after a round of goodbyes, Grace is walking me out the door.
She stops at the front porch and reaches for my arm. “Dustin.” She says, as I turn back to her. “Good luck with Gabe. I know that whatever happens, you two will find a way to make it work. There’s no way that you can be out of each other’s lives.”
She smiles, “The universe won’t allow it.”
I nod, thankful at how the years that have passed since we were kids had only brought us closer. “Thank sis.” I say before taking off and walking back towards the train station.
After my visit with Grace, I think about my situation and why it hasn’t worked all these years. Sure, Gabe and I have seen several people since we met, and there have been a couples scares on my end, with me convinced that the newest guy would mean the end of us, but that’s just it: it’s always on my end.
I’ve been so consumed with this crush and making sure to keep Gabe in my life that I’ve never really given a fair chance to any of the guys I’ve dated. They always felt like they were just a distraction, and frankly, I need more of a distraction than ever.
The closest I’ve ever been to getting over Gabe was my relationship with Tom- one that ended pretty poorly, through no fault but my own.
***
Tom and I have just gotten off the freeway and are taking the smaller streets to get to my parents’ house. He’s visibly nervous, biting down on his bottom lip as he lightly taps against the window, half listening as I point out the various landmarks in my hometown.
It’s the first time he’s meeting my family- something that I try to play off, though he’s not helping me out much. We’ve been dating for nearly six months at this point, and honestly, things couldn’t have been going any better. Sure, Gabe is still in the picture and I can tell that neither of them are each other’s biggest fan, but I’m hopeful that things with Tom can last.
I think that’s why meeting my family is such a big deal to the both of us: it’s like the true test of whether or not we have a future.
Ben Esra telefonda seni boşaltmamı ister misin?
Telefon Numaram: 00237 8000 92 32
Bir yanıt bırakın